My first days of freshman year went very stereotypically: getting lost in McDonnell trying to find my Biology class, checking my class schedule displayed on my phone background, never knowing when lunch ended (still hasn’t changed), and awkwardly sitting in class overwhelmed with new faces and information. Coming from St. Alphonsus with an 8th grade class of 28, starting high school was the hardest adjustment I had faced. The first days I had previously known were spent catching up with the same friends and teachers I had known since preschool. I never had to prove who I was to make new friends, but that identity was challenged in high school. I found myself sitting in class petrified that everyone was judging me. I became scared to answer questions and express myself – things that had defined me in middle school.
I quickly realized in order to find my place at Prep, I would have to build it by choosing to be involved, even when it felt uncomfortable. I forced myself into any opportunity I could find: cross country, Sports Marketing, freshman basketball, lacrosse, and any club I could get involved in. I had little to no experience in most of them, but I saw that as even more of a reason to try them. Looking back, forcing myself to become comfortable with the uncomfortable was one of the most foundational decisions I could have made for my freshmen self. Without this growth, I would have missed out on some of my favorite memories and closest friendships that were gained through Prep activities.
While I became more active outside of class, the classroom was continued to difficult. I didn’t like speaking up, let alone being called on. I felt comfort in sitting through class without saying a single word, even if I knew it was limiting me. That fear was tested in Gonzaga Collegio with Mr. McCarthy. His teaching style – cold calling, turning simple answers into BCMs and humor – forced freshmen participation. One day, I became a victim of that cold calling. He called on me in front of my whole Collegio and asked me to answer a question. I stumbled through my response, hoping he would move on, but he kept pressing for more details and my thoughts.
After class, he apologized for putting me on the spot and said he believed I had valuable insights and wanted me to participate more. It was the first time I really shared my opinion all year and after realizing it wasn’t as terrible as I had imagined, I began to see how much I had truly been limiting my own educational progress by blending into the back of I203.
When I came back to Prep as a sophomore, I had to decide what mattered more: staying quiet and avoiding judgment, or risking being seen for who I actually was. I decided to switch how I approached school: I asked more questions, participated more in class, and worked to build relationships with teachers and friends. The confidence I had lost in freshman year didn’t just return on its own. It came back because I started putting myself in situations where I actually had to use it. Prep stopped feeling like something I had to carefully navigate to avoid attention, and started feeling like something I was actually part of.
Looking back now, I don’t think the biggest change I had at Prep was who I became, but what I allowed myself to do. I stopped measuring every interaction by how I might be judged and started focusing more on what I could gain from being involved. Though people often point out how much I have changed over the last four years, I don’t think I ever changed who I was, I just stopped holding myself back by blending in. That’s what I’ll carry with me beyond Prep: not the idea of changing who I am, but the lesson that showing up and participating is what lets you become yourself.
