April is typically a time of continuity, with spring sports seasons and semester two in full swing. However, this year, change is coming.
That’s right. Beginning next week, April 7th, students who lose their keycard will have them replaced with new, larger keycards. The compact existing 2 x 3½ inch keycards will be phased out for gigantic 28 x 22 inch keycards.
Mr. Hendricks, history teacher and Dean of Students, claims this change will incentivize students to keep track of their keycards. And for those who struggle with the realities of the new card?
“I believe the new cards are much more practical,” Mr. Hendricks said. “They are about the size of your surface: When was the last time you lost your surface?”
Additionally, the move will lower costs for both students and administration, owing to the smaller number of lost keycards for the school to replace.
“Words mean things,” added Mr. Hendricks, citing his famous catchphrase. “And lost keycards mean costs.”
Kieth Kard, often seen surveilling the plaza from the top of McDonnell, is the Head of Student Safety. Mr. Kard claims that the changes will make the campus safer in the unlikely event of an emergency.
“Students will no longer have to fumble around, looking for keycards in a time of panic,” Mr. Kard said. “After all, it is crucial for students to retrieve their backpacks in the event of an emergency.”
Mr. Kard was recently fired from his position as Head of Student Safety.
A student, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that they are excited about the upcoming changes. According to the student, the significantly heavier keycard can improve fitness and muscle mass.
“Every time I lift my arm up to swipe the keycard, it’s like doing a bicep curl,” the student said. “I have to get my reps in somehow. Plus, it makes my backpack a ton heavier, so my shoulders are always getting exercise.”
Any students who wish to replace their dated keycards with the latest and greatest can fill out a JotForm, which will be sent out next week by Mr. Hendricks. A small fee will be charged to student accounts.
“I am confident that these changes will benefit all students at Prep,” Mr. Hendricks claimed. “Students can use this visible change as a reminder to keep track of their belongings.”
