“It was just like any other day, you know?”, says avid frolicker, Jack Overland ‘26, “I was rolling around in that luscious grass in the plaza like I always do on a nice, sunny day. It’s perennial ryegrass, you know. If you take a glance on the grass-rolling subreddit, that stuff is all they’re talking about these days.”
Besides being very enthusiastic about his grass-rolling hobby, Overland has an objectively much more interesting story – a rich gold deposit found right beneath our very own plaza at Prep.
“Like I said, it was a nice day, so how could I not notice that ugly, shimmering, distracting piece of gold, in the otherwise beautiful lawn?” Overland said.
After Overland tossed the gold aside, a group of curious onlookers picked up the nugget. After some careful chemical analysis by Ms. McCorriston, it was confirmed to be pure, 24-karat gold.
Like many things at Prep, the find was kept secret for two days, and like many more things at Prep, the rumors spread like wildfire. It didn’t take long until after school every night, handfuls of individual students and staff arrived with shovels and pickaxes in hand to dig for gold.
Based on security camera footage provided by Ms. Filips, individual students and faculty alike begin to trickle onto the plaza around 7:00 pm and stake their claim of a given area. The surprising footage shows how the carpet of grass is carefully lifted, to reveal dozens of entrances to an elaborate tunnel system, which contradicts the lawlessness and disorder of the subterranean operation.
With details scarce, it is often hard to determine if many events of violence or thievery truly happened. But, based on the security videos, tensions between unnamed students, teachers, and other faculty are not a rare occurrence, as they often continue above ground.
“There’s a clip somewhere on here of a small group of – what looks to be freshmen – attacking an older student who had just begun to carry out their handful of gold,” Filips said, “this is absolute madness, but I can’t lie, it’s really entertaining.”
Clearly, Prep’s security has not been very encouraged to tackle this mineral exploitation, as it appears to be pretty obvious which students have had their share of gold. Now, it isn’t a common occurrence to see students show up with brand-new Rolex watches, diamond earrings, new cars, and clothing only previously thought to be appropriate at a fashion show. Apparently, Seattle Prep students know nothing about money laundering – for better or for worse.
“What? There’s a gold mine under the plaza? I never heard of that! Someone should have told me, then I’d be rolling in cash! What a shame,” a non-convincing student said through a new set of grills. Although students can very clearly be seen to be taking advantage of the gold mine, there is no physical evidence of faculty flashing their new bling. Instead, it seems that there is something much more subtle – a change in attitude among the adults on campus. Numerous accounts of students have noted that some teachers no longer care to teach their students. Students state that educators have begun straying away from their energetic mood toward new subjects and ideas. Handfuls of teachers across all the departments have begun to scoff as they enter the classroom and survey their students, speaking in Old English in an attempt to sound more eloquent, and requesting students to pick up their lunch from nearby restaurants.
Nonetheless, it seems that the gold in the plaza has been exhausted from its richness, and the overnight visits and gold fever are decreasing. In place of all the displaced soil, Seattle Prep’s Athletic Department has decided to purchase a new swimming pool for the swim and dive teams, in order to assure practice every day during the season.
Overland isn’t too pleased to hear this.
“A swimming pool? Are you serious? Where am I supposed to roll in the grass now, I’ve been banned from all of the city parks!”
